Everything that has happend to me
by MFord89
Summary: This is a journal from marissa POV...on everything that has happend to her. She is giviing this to a physcologist to try to help her deal with everything that just happend, and make her forgive herself. Kind of an intersting spin on things.


Everything that has happened to me...

Summary: After shooting Trey, especially after everything that has happened to Marissa, she is sent back for therapy. Her physiologist suggests to her, since it can be hard to express how she is feeling to someone else to write a journal...and this is it. Marissa' view on everything that has happened to her.

A/N: I just thought this would be a cool idea for a story, and I am bored, and well lets just see how it turns out. If you read this please review it, I'd like to hear what you all have to say. I will update it as soon as I can. Let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, place, etc...we know this.

_It's June, my summer is just starting. It should be the time for just having fun. Hanging out on the beach with Summer, tanning and shopping. Spending my nights with Ryan and making many memories with him. Also all the good times with the "crew", Ryan, me, Summer and Cohen. This will still happen. I have no doubt in my mind that it won't be a good summer, just so much has happened, and I don't even know how to explain it. I need help, I know I can't handle this all myself, but I know I could never tell another person all my feelings on everything. I can tell Ryan and Summer a lot, but even this is too personal. I need help, and since I can't even tell them, let alone a trained, but stranger, professional, we have come to the idea I write everything, give this to her, and then we talk about it, and she tries her best to help me through this. Who knows if it will even work..._

_**Lets start at the beginning...**_

_My problems I would say started in highschool, like many other teenage girls would say. I had never had a problem with my mom, but as I started getting older, and into highschool, she started putting more and more pressure on me. If I even gained a few pounds, though I was still very slender, she would point it out to me. If my hair didn't look right, she would of course tell me. I first thought it was out of her caring, but it lead me to NEVER be happy with myself. During freshmen year, I felt so stressed. I was taking all honors classes, and doing tennis, and also worked out on the social committee, helping to plan events and such for the school. I had tons of friends, just no time to ever hang out with them. I began starving myself. I began losing tons of weight, and my grades started slipping. I started partying a lot on the weekends, and got drunk a lot. It seemed to make everything better. My mother, being the nosy bitch that she is, noticed I was losing a lot of weight, and that my grades were slipping. She began to notice on weekends, I would break curfew a lot, and she started noticing I was never eating. I wouldn't talk to her about it, I didn't want to admit to myself that I had a problem. I went to therapy, and out of fear or my mom, I started doing less partying, and doing better in school. I also started eating again. My mom started getting off my back a little bit about my appearance._

_As the summer approached, I started feeling a little better. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. I had been with my boyfriend Luke for a long time...since middle school basically. He was great, everything I wanted in a boyfriend. I have no idea why we were still together. It just seemed right, he seemed safe. Honestly though? I never told anyone this, I loved him so much, but I was starting to get bored with him at the time. He just felt like he didn't have to care as much about me. Or at least that he didn't have to work with us anymore. I just felt us growing apart. Then, later in the summer, I was outside, waiting for Luke to come and get me. Yet another party, yet another typical summer night. This boy, at the end of my next door neighbors driveway stood there. I had never seen him before. I knew the people who lived next-door pretty well. My dad was good friends with Kirsten Cohen, who lived next door. They had dated in highschool. Their son, Seth, just wasn't the type of person who I normally hung out with, so I never got to know him. This guy, seemed like a bad boy, from his appearance. When I asked who he was, he replied with whoever you want me to be. I asked for a cigarette, and he gave me one. Before him, I had never believed in love at first sight, but for some reason that night, that secound, I felt something. We didn't talk long before my boyfriend came to get me._

_I started talking to him a little bit more as the weeks passed. More and More I started to like him. I found out about his past. Him and his brother had stolen a car and got caught. His brother was in jail and Sandy, my next-door neighbor, also a public defender, worked with him to get him out of jail. Ryan went back to his house, and was kicked out by his drunk mother, and her boyfriend. His father had been in jail for years. He called Mr. Cohen, and was staying with them._

_Seth and I tried to take him to one of the houses that Seth's mother, Mrs. Cohen's company had built. It was a model home. Luke started to suspect something, and came and nearly killed Ryan. Him and his friend beat up Ryan pretty bad, and the house got set on fire during all this._

_Ryan ended up staying with the Cohen's for sure, which I was really glad about it. So we started to be friends. I ended up staying with Luke at the time. I was getting a lot of pressure from my mom, and I had been kind of mad for Ryan shutting me down, when I had tried to tell him I had feelings for him. Staying with Luke just seemed to be the safest thing, even though at the time, I still kind of wanted to be with Ryan._

_Meanwhile, cops or something were coming to my door pretty much everyday, they wanted to speak with my dad, but he always told me to tellthem he wasn't home. I started suspecting something with that, and the fact that my dad never seemed to be going to work anymore. I soon found out my father had been stealing money from his clients, a lot of money. He was in big trouble, and could possible go to jail._

_Things with Luke and I started getting screwed up, pretty much because he was jealous of something going on with me and Ryan. The night of my debtuton ball, I showed up with Ryan, and Luke got mad, and said we were done. Great. I had just lost my boyfriend...then moments later, it all came out. As everyone was dancing, my friend Holly's father punched my dad, yelling about his money being gone. At that moment, my fathers secret was out. I ran away crying. Ryan came out to comfort me, then Luke moments later. I went home without either one of them thatnight. I can't even explain how bad I felt. I also knew things with my parents were starting to get messed up because of it._

_Since Luke and I were broken up, Ryan and I decided to go out on a date, though it got canceled the first time, the next night, it really happened. It wasn't anything big, I went over to his house, and he cooked up grilled cheese on the grill. Then we sat around the pool eating it. Then went for a swim, with our cloths on. Despite everything happening with my family...all I could think about was him at the time and be happy. After swimming, him and walked into the pool house where he was living, to dry off. We were just about to kiss, but Seth called him saying he needed Ryan or something. So Ryan left, I couldn't go with him, because it was Holly's house..and Holly's father had punched my father...how could I go there? I couldn't. I wasn't ready to face any of them._

_I went home, then later that night got a call from Ryan. At Holly's party, some kid Ryan had met at work had shot Luke in the arm. I was shocked...I just couldn't have pictured something like that. What if it hadn't been the arm, but the chest? What if he had died? So much went through my mind. I went there, and while he was in the hospital, I never left him. As soon as he got out, he came to my house, and apologized for being a jerk, and wanted to get back together. I still, at the time wasn't sure about what I should do. He asked me go with him to a party at the Cohen's. I knew Ryan was going to be there...I told him I would go, I had to think about us getting back together. Because I did._

_I went and talked to Ryan and explained to him what was going on. He wasn't very understanding, and told me to let him know when I made up my mind. I all ready knew what I wanted! I wanted to be with him! However, he didn't understand that. When I showed up at the party that night, he saw me with Luke, and assumed the wrong thing, that I was back with him, but at the time I wasn't. Then later in the evening, I went in to go and find Ryan. I wanted to tell him I was pretty sure I wanted to be with him. I went into the pool house though to find him, making out, probably about to have sex with this girl- well more like women. She must have at least been in her twentys. I was shocked. I thought at the time Ryan wasn't as great as I thought he was, and he wasn't worth it. I had been with Luke for the longest time, and he loved me, and I thought I loved him too. That night, I decided to lost my virginity to Luke. Really, I shouldn't have done it that night. I did think I loved him, but still I should have known' I was confused that night. I regretted it, and I hadn't even found out the truth yet._

_After Luke dropped me off, Ryan showed up at my door to come and explain it to me, what was up with him and that girl. I told Ryan he was too late though, and walked in. I went into my room that night and cried. I don't even know why exactly. I was in love with my longterm boyfriend, and had just had sex with him. Why did I feel so bad then, and wished things with me and Ryan had gone well? I don't know, I can't explain it. I should have known something was starting to go wrong with me._ **I was starting to get depressed.**

_Then came the breaking point. The summer was nearing an end, everyone had planned go to go to TJ to end the summer. I didn't exactly want to go, but my dad just seemed to want me away, which confused me, and Summer and Luke really wanted me to go. Well Summer surprised me with me finding out our ride was withSeth and Ryan. Summer sat in the front with Seth, and I was stuck in the back with Ryan. I was pissed at him. I didn't want to be...but I just felt hurt for him just going off and being with that other girl. Which was selfish, I shouldn't have expected him to wait for me, but at the same time I thought I meant more to him then I did._

_Summer and Seth ended up running us off the road, and we ended up at this crappy hotel. Me and Ryan ended up talking, it didn't end well though. I was just still so upset. Then as me and Ryan headed back to the room, I got the worst call from my dad. He told me when I came home, he wouldn't be there. He had moved into an apartment. Him and my mom were splitting up. I started feeling like my life was falling apart. My family had been so far from perfect, but us falling apart , so suddenly, it just killed me. I went inside. I lied down on the bed with Ryan, I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, me and Ryan woke up lying next to each other, in the spooning position, and holding hands. I thought it was way too weird, and almost a sign, but still, I was with Luke, and he had been with that other girl. So obviously I didn't mean that much to him..._

_The next day we made it to TJ, and that night, I went to go find Luke with Ryan, Summer and Seth. I found Luke alright. He was with Holly, my friend. Grinding, and making out with her. I foundout this hadn't been the first time, and he had sex with many other girls while of course still being with me._

_I ran back to the hotel. I couldn't take it. I felt like my life was falling apart, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to die, I knew life would get better. I just wanted to escape, and not have to worry about anything. Without even thinking, I took pain killers from Summer's purse, and went to the nearest bar and got a shot ofa strong drinkand washed down the pain killers with it. I don't remember much after that, expect waking up in the hospital with my mom and dad in the room._

...Well, I have been writing in this an hour now, and that is how long you told me to make each journal session.

So, now I am back at her office, bringing this for her to read. I feel so weird showing her all this, showing her my most personal details of my life. This is just the beginning though, she has no idea of all the other issues I have in countered.

I sit in the waiting room now, waiting for her door to open, and for me to go and bring this into her. If I am nervous about this part, I have no idea how I cam going to feel as I start getting into the deeper and deeper stuff. I have no idea how I am able to share this with someone.

Her door has just opened, I must bring this into her. I get up, and walk in there.

"So, Marissa, you have written for an hour, as much as you could do from when the problems started to the present," Dr. Williams asked me as she looked at me.

"Yes, I wrote a lot. I have to warn you though I still have so much to tell you, I only got up to the summer between freshmen and sophomore year,"

"That is alright, I am glad, I want to stretch this out with you, I want to make you better, and take as much time at it takes."

It only took her about ten minutes to read, if even, then she looked up at me, almost in disbelieve...

"I must tell you, for just the start of your problems there is a lot there, I do have some questions if you don't mind."

"I'll try my best to answer," I told her.

"How is your self-estem now..do you still feel like you aren't living up to what you could be?"

I nodded, "Actually, I feel a lot better about myself now. I mean I still have my doubts, but I think its more normal teenage girl stuff, then self hating"

"Well that is good to know...so how are things with you and your mother?"

"Still pretty bad...but getting better I guess, her and my dad are finally starting to work things out, and might get back together."

"Good to hear..and tell me..are you still with Ryan?"

"I wouldn't say still, we have been on and off since then, but we're on again now..."

"Have you ever thought suicidal thoughts since this happened?"

"Honestly? Yeah, I have a few times. I've also had some problems with drinking and stuff, but right now, I haven't really been drinking much at all, and I would never think about killing myself."

"Alright, well that is all for today, I want you to come back as soon as possible though, so we continue this. Its hard for me to ask questions, not knowing the whole story. I really want to try, try to make everything okay for you"...

"Thank you so much, yeah I will be back Thursday,".

I mean it, I really did. For some reason, I thought she could help me, and writing it to her really did make it a lot easier for me to explain it to her, and for once I thought someone was going to be able to understand me. I just didn't know if anyone could make me forgive myself for what happend that night...that awful night with the gun.


End file.
